I had to weigh myself twice this morning to check it was true…… and YES – it is!!!!!  5.3kg gone, 7cm taken off my hips and 7cm taken off my waist!!!

I am in total disbelief.  I would have always associated this type of weight loss with quick-fix detox programs or severely restrictive diets.  My brain has been drilled into the message of ‘you can’t lose more than 1kg a week’.  Well I’m here to say that you can – if you put in the work.

All I have done is the deceptively simple task of eating less calories than I am burning.  I’m not starving myself (anyone on the 12WBT can attest to that!!), and I’m not working out for 6 hours a day.  The most I have ever worked out in one day is for 60 minutes.

I’m not saying that I will achieve these AMAZING results every single week – but it shows me what is possible.  Even after two rather emotional weeks, where my confidence took a beating and my commitment wavered, I can get results.  Incredible results.

Now I know why Michelle and Amelia want you to set BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goals).  Because what you think is impossible at the start of this experience is usually achievable – you just don’t yet know what you are capable of, how strong you really are, how great you can (and will) be.  This is now the SECOND mini milestone I have hit (after running for 10 minutes continuously) and it’s only been just over two weeks.  I’ve got 9-and-a-bit weeks to go – what else can I achieve???

I’m on cloud nine this morning – and I truly hope everyone else doing this challenge feels the same way.  And if not – then maybe this is your week!!

See you at the gym xxx

I actually reached one of my first mini milestones yesterday – I ran for 10 minutes!  And I achieved that 2 weeks early!  It was inside on a treadmill, so I’ll change my mini milestone to be running 10min outside.  But that’s great progress to see for me – it’s like I’m getting my old fitness back.

Mentally I’ve had another up and down week, but as the week progressed it’s been more up than down.  Mid week I was still feeling uninspired, a bit lazy, a bit ‘over it’.  But then I wrote on the 12WBT forums and was honest.  I said I was feeling a bit crap.  And all the responses I got were just so great – it wasn’t just ‘oh no, be fabulous, you can DO it’ cheerleader-style rant.  It was real support.  People saying ‘you’re allowed to be a bit crap’.  They also said ‘I know what you’re going through’.  Which to me means more than just trying to pep me up and get me over it.  It’s the ‘real’ part of the program that I’ve never really tapped into before.  And it’s great!

And all these good vibes have given me the confidence to do something really scary – I’ve taken a new job!  It’s more of a contracting role, it’s outside of the square and it’s much less money than I usually make.  In fact it just skims my expenses.  But it’s also an amazing opportunity to start a new future with new skills and create a lifestyle that I want.   So I’m scared and nervous and excited and hopeful all at the same time.  And that’s a lot of emotion to squeeze in!

I’ve been trying to eat right though, but I forgot my lunch and had to settle for a ham and salad sandwich from our local cafe.  Which they doused in butter.  Bugger.

I’m still feeing really flat.  The breakup is done and dusted, the decision about Melbourne is on hold because of some potential job news, I haven’t lost any weight since Friday (EVEN after my 2000+ calorie burn over the weekend) and I’m feeling very in limbo.  You know when everything feels like an uphill battle?  Yeah, that’s kinda where I’m at.  I’m frustrated, I feel like I’m getting nowhere and I just want to get ON with things!!  Argh!!

So tomorrow I’m going to try and talk my fortunes around and have some FUN!  I was planning on going to the movies but then I realised tomorrow is the release of the third Twilight movie, so every cinema in the world will be overrun with screaming tweens.  Not my cup of tea so I’m going to focus on my other blog (Counter Obsession), make up some new looks and hopefully blog about them, and then spend some time with my adorable dog.  Whom I haven’t even introduced you to yet!  How rude of me!!

I think this blog definitely needs some photos – maybe from now on I’ll aim to include one pic per post.  Would that make it more interesting?

Anywoo, that’s me in a nutshell.  Hopefully tomorrow I can turn things around and get back into a more positive frame of mind.

Whoop whoop!  :)

I feel fitter already, and my sluggish circulation is already speeding up.  My clothes don’t feel any different, but I’m having less ‘fat’ days, that’s for sure!  I’m enjoying the food, although I’m not eating the whole  menu (as I cook for one a lot of the food will go off before I get to use it – so I’ll eat every meal at least twice, and leave out some dishes).  The best part is how mentally strong I feel – it’s like I can feel the endless opportunites that are in front of me.  And I could choose any of them.

I honestly never thought healthy eating and exercise could have that effect.  And yet… it has.  :)

I found out that I will fight for a relationship that I don’t even want to be in, because the rejection hurts more than the unhappiness.

I found out that once that relationship is gone, I don’t miss him as a person.  I miss the relationship itself.

I found out that when faced with a potentially life-changing decision, and all signs point to yes, pure terror stalls me from making a choice.

And I found out that I am not as strong as I thought I was in some ways, and stronger than I thought I was in other ways.  For example I was on the treadmill this afternoon, and I realised that I was using the shortcut buttons to change my speed between walking (6km/hr) and running (9km/hr).  When I did this on Monday I had to slow down the running speed as I couldn’t keep up.  Today I didn’t.  I felt physically strong.  Tonight I had a light dinner and low-cal chocolate mousse for dessert.  Others around me were having burgers, chips and mint choc chip ice cream – and I didn’t even want it.  I felt strong over the temptation.

Yet when it comes to treating myself with value, putting my goals first, demanding respect from those who claim to love me – I’m utterly hopeless.

I also suffer from ‘instant gratification-itis’ – if I have a choice between immediate payoff (say, an awesome sitcom marathon on TV, or avoiding a difficult conversation) or delayed payoff (going to the gym which will help me to get healthy and lose weight over a period of time, or breaking free of an unfufilling relationship so I can move on and meet Mr Right) then my first instinct is to chicken out and take the easy option.

There is good progress in the fact that I can identify these problems.  And I know that I need to change my perceptions of a lot of things.  How I do that… damn good question.

• Monday – started @12WBT.  Ate right.  Exercised right.  Felt a little ‘empty’, but generally ok.
• Tuesday – ate right, but didn’t exercise because my head cold kept me in bed all day.  But I was also too sick to have breakfast, so that’s something… right?
• Wednesday – Head cold gone.  Weighed in and already lost 2kg since Monday.  Elated.  Exercised right, ate right.  Then boyfriend said he needed ‘time to think’.  And offered a job in Melbourne.  On the same night.  Slept for about two hours.
• Thursday – Started new admin job, and ended a relationship.  Can’t stomach much food, and the constant watering from my eyes keeps me from going out to the gym.

I can’t begin to describe how strong the temptation is to just…. gorge.  I know that the food is only a temporary fix for emotions that I need to feel and deal with like a grown up, but just for now… for the next 24 hours… can’t I just dull the pain?  Make it go away, just for a little while?

This SUCKS.

Well mucho apologies for me for not updating this much this week.  I’ve been a rather ill little bunny.  Which I think is a good thing to happen in the pre-season of 12WBT rather than during, so I’m being kind to myself and not venturing far from my bedroom.

I have also discovered that Foxtel repeats way too many shows.  I’ve had to resort to Jerseylicious and The Bachelor to entertain me.  And now I’m hooked.  Damn you, Foxtel.

Of course today was technically day one of 12WBT but I’m going to update you on all that tomorrow.  For now I thought I’d be lazy and post up the entry I just submitted for the Active Insights blog that I’m doing as well.  That should keep the hungry wolves at bay.  Is that the saying?  I don’t even know.  Pass the cold and flu tablets.

Post:  Get ready…. set…. wait for it….

It’s almost time!  The anticipation is killing me, the excitement is building… oh god, I wish that was all true.  To be honest I feel like it’s the countdown to impending doom.  This has no reflection on the actual program at all – it’s more about my head screaming ‘DIET??  DON’T MAKE ME DO IT!!!’.  All I can think about is chocolate brownies and camembert cheese and those tasty pull apart things you get from the bakery.  All I want to do is run (not walk) to the supermarket and fill up a trolley full of Tim Tams and cookie dough.

Why?  Because my logical brain is saying I can never, EVER eat those things again.  And my emotional side is in mourning.

What a ridiculous thing to say to myself.  Do I really think that I can never eat a chocolate biscuit ever again?  C’mon, we know that’s not going to happen.  But I won’t be able to eat them every night.  And if I want one, then I’ll have to forego calories elsewhere.  Or kick some butt at the gym and burn the calories off.

This ‘all-or-nothing’ mentality is what got me to this weight in the first place.  I tend to think that if I’m not doing it perfectly, then there’s no point in starting at all.  And because I get so much out of eating certain foods (like a sense of comfort when I’m down, or a reward when I’m up), perfection is near impossible for me.

For those of you out there who don’t have any emotional attachment to the food that you eat, I’m so jealous of you right now.  Because it’s so hard to break the habit.

But I’m determined to make permanent changes this time, so tonight may just be my comfort eating swan song.  One more time for the cheap seats in the back…

Hannah  :)

But today was the first day when I had a couple of interviews scheduled and some chores to get done.  And even that small level of busyness has made me rethink when I can get to the gym today.  Which makes me wonder… what’s going to happen when I get REALLY busy?  Like – back to full time work?  Juggling office work during the week, makeup jobs on weekends and also trying to explore other avenues that I want to be involved in, like beauty blogging?

Organisation is going to really make or break me.  I can have the best intentions but it’s the follow through where I fall down.  I HATE being tired, and I HATE feeling overwhelmed with everything I want to accomplish.  This is why my health has been such a low priority over the last year – I was studying and then building a business, so I felt my priority was there.

But if I want to make this work, in the time frame I want it to, maybe that has to change.  Maybe I can’t book back-to-back appointments on weekends.  Yes the money would be (greatly) appreciated, but at the end of 12 weeks what will I be left with?  A couple of extra dollars but still feeling unhealthy and unattractive?

Is that really worth it?

Desire for comfort food is strong, but so far I’ve resisted.  I did try to have some ice cream (for the sore throat, of course) but then I realised that I can’t really taste anything.  So what’s the point?!?  That’s a good thing at least.  But I also don’t want to exercise.  In fact it’s the last thing I feel like doing.  Even sitting up for a short period of time gives me a throbbing headache.  So that’s a bad thing.

The Seinfeld marathon on Foxtel is keeping me company at least, and so is my dog, Ferris.  He has that doggy intuition that I’m not well so he’s following me around and jumps into my lap for cuddles as soon as I stop for more than three seconds.  He’s awesome.

Wish I had something more interesting to say – might try and update this later.  But for now, the couch is calling my name.

***************************

The craziest thing happened after I wrote the above post (which was about four hours ago).

I was feeling really flat.  My head hurt.  My sinuses hurt.  My throat hurt.  Stupid head cold.  All I wanted was to feel better.  So I made a decision – I needed choc chip cookies (which are fast becoming my go-to guilty pleasure).  And I thought it was ok, because the 12WBT hasn’t really started.  I’ve got a week.  And because I’m sick, I should try to make myself feel better.

Even as I type, I see the excuses, so don’t worry about pointing them out.

Anyway, I realised that I hadn’t done Task 6 in the pre-season 12WBT.  So because I was at my computer already, I thought I’d ‘get it out of the way now’.

In the space of that 12 minute video, I went from ‘hurry up, I want to go and get my chocolate’ to ‘I’m going to put on my shoes and go to the gym’.  And I have NEVER made a decision like that before!  Watching Michelle throw out a packet of biscuits and explaining why they are so horrid really changed my mindset for the afternoon.  Food isn’t going to comfort me.  It doesn’t have arms to cuddle me, or a mouth to tell me fabulous things about myself.  It’s going to give me fuel to get through my day.  That’s all.  And I have the choice over what that fuel is.  If it is going to be biscuits, then I’ll keep looking and feeling the way I am.

So I went to the gym instead.  30 minutes of cardio (not too hard because of the head cold), a few weights exercises and finished with some abs.  An hour later I walked out feeling as good as I would have after the biscuits, but calories were GONE instead of just piling onto my thighs.  And the weirdest thing was the sweating from the exertion actually made my head cold feel better.

I’m feeling rather proud of myself tonight.  It may be a small step, but at least it’s in the right direction.

H  :)

I was at the supermarket today, and I automatically went for my old food.  The bad food.  And I was conscious of that… but I wanted it.  I really wanted it.  REALLY.  Wanted.  It.

Bad habits are hard to break, but when the habit isn’t all bad it’s even harder to break.  I know that chocolate chip cookies are full of sugar, fat and carbs that my body doesn’t need.  I know that I could make a healthier choice that would provide me with better sources of energy (rather than a sugar high, followed by the sugar crash) and would be lower in calories.  These are smart, somewhat ‘long term’ benefits.  And the reasons are logical.  But I also really like the taste of the cookies.  I like dunking them in milk until they are soft and melt in my mouth.  They don’t require any cooking.  And because of all these good things, I feel good when I eat them.  At the moment my life is in a bit of turmoil as I try to build a business and change my life direction, so when I’m feeling downI look for easy comfort – and cookies give me that.  And these are all ‘immediate’ benefits, with emotional reasons.

I know I need to change my thinking.  The logic, I get.  But how do you actually do that?  Honestly – I don’t want to give up the cookies.  And at the moment, that voice is louder than the ‘healthy’ voice in my head.  The emotions rule.

How do I change my thoughts towards food?  More to the point – how do I change my emotions towards food?

If I don’t fix that, then any changes that happen during this challenge will be reversed the moment it’s over.  And I’m back to square one.

If you’re waiting for a revelation, I don’t have one.  I don’t know how to change it.  Yet.  Any insight is gladly accepted.