Anyway, I’m at home. On my computer. And it’s 12:03am, which technically means it’s Sunday. (Hence the Cold Chisel reference in the title – score 5 points if you picked that up). It’s been such a crazy week, and the diet hasn’t even been the start of it. I was tested in so many ways, and continue to be. And it is during these times that your true nature is revealed.
I found out that I will fight for a relationship that I don’t even want to be in, because the rejection hurts more than the unhappiness.
I found out that once that relationship is gone, I don’t miss him as a person. I miss the relationship itself.
I found out that when faced with a potentially life-changing decision, and all signs point to yes, pure terror stalls me from making a choice.
And I found out that I am not as strong as I thought I was in some ways, and stronger than I thought I was in other ways. For example I was on the treadmill this afternoon, and I realised that I was using the shortcut buttons to change my speed between walking (6km/hr) and running (9km/hr). When I did this on Monday I had to slow down the running speed as I couldn’t keep up. Today I didn’t. I felt physically strong. Tonight I had a light dinner and low-cal chocolate mousse for dessert. Others around me were having burgers, chips and mint choc chip ice cream – and I didn’t even want it. I felt strong over the temptation.
Yet when it comes to treating myself with value, putting my goals first, demanding respect from those who claim to love me – I’m utterly hopeless.
I also suffer from ‘instant gratification-itis’ – if I have a choice between immediate payoff (say, an awesome sitcom marathon on TV, or avoiding a difficult conversation) or delayed payoff (going to the gym which will help me to get healthy and lose weight over a period of time, or breaking free of an unfufilling relationship so I can move on and meet Mr Right) then my first instinct is to chicken out and take the easy option.
There is good progress in the fact that I can identify these problems. And I know that I need to change my perceptions of a lot of things. How I do that… damn good question.
